From the Forgotten Files of Lord Heckatyte
by catpig
Summary: Au Oneshot silliness: A plan to destroy Sailor Moon that would actually work, from the files of the forgotten fifth Negaverse General. Based off of the first season. Rated for language and evil.


**Disclaimer: **Not mine, no profit, please don't hurt me.

Ok, to understand this, you have to understand that sometimes my younger brother and I watch dangerous amounts of anime, and then hang out discussing it at two in the morning. Around the time when we are both so tired that the word 'cake' seems inherently hilarious, bizarre AU things blossom out of nowhere. (Along with the observation that if you say hecka tight fast, it sounds like a mineral. A mineral of AWESOME!) Ahem. Hence:

**From the files of Lord Heckatyte**(the forgotten fifth general):

A Plan to Defeat Sailor Moon That Will Actually Work

Firstly, Nephrite was on to something clever with that whole 'pretend to be Tuxedo Mask' idea. He was on to something stupid when he decided to implement it by inviting the entire female population of the middle school out on a date/field trip. The hell. Here we see the marked difference between the wisdom of the stars and Nephrite's own tactical brilliance. My plan is a modification of the original seed of practicality in this failed plot. Now, I know what your thinking: how could the Sailor Scouts fall for the same ploy twice? How indeed. Yet they've been doing exactly that for the last several months. Come on, how much difference is there really between 'a clock store that sells clocks super cheap because they're actually energy stealing devices and the clerk is a monster' and 'a hair salon giving free makeovers because they're searching for Sailor Moon and the hairdressers are actually a monster'? A more pertinent question than 'how could they fall for the same trap twice' (or several dozen times, as the case may be) is : why expect them to stop now? Another, more insightful question raised by my new plan might be, "But Lord Heckatyte, why are you abandoning your old plan to immediately follow up your first attack (by your weakest henchman) by either sending your most powerful henchman, or attacking personally instead of teleporting away when the monster dies? Glad you asked. That plan is still being held in reserve. However, through further analysis of the consistently pathetic performance of my peers, I noticed a potential flaw in that plan. Namely Sailor Moon herself, who tends to experience inconvenient and completely unjustified power-ups at just such times. My new plan takes this hitch into account. So, without further ado:

Step One: disguise self as Tuxedo Mask. (and I mean a complete disguise, not just wearing his clothes. Face, voice, the whole shebang.

Step two: Send piddley monster # 346 to attack city using standard sailor-trapping procedures.

Step three: Lurk near ensuing battle, gaining the opportunity to:

Step four: Rescue Sailor Moon with a thrown rose, thereby 'confirming' your identity as 'the real Tuxedo mask'. Throw in some cheesy nonsensical philosophical ramblings. Wait for the real Tuxedo mask to pop out and call your bluff.

Or

Alternate Step four: Wait until Tuxedo Mask joins the battle in his customary fashion, then pop out and call his 'bluff,' accusing him of staging the rescue only to falsely confirm his identity.

Step five: Before anyone has a chance to ask revealing questions or 'search their heart for the truth' engage Tuxedo Mask in fist fight/wrestling match. Tumble around a lot to make it hard for them to track who's who. Yell cheesy stuff like: "I don't know what your game is, nega-scum, but as long as I'm here you'll never get to Sailor Moon!" and "Using deceit to get close to pure hearted young girls, your evil plot ends now!"

Step Six: Under cover of the fight, surreptitiously blast self with signature evil energy powers. Fall away from Tuxedo Mask. Catch air if possible. Yell like it hurts a lot.

Step seven: Pretend to be dying. Remember to keep straight face while Tuxedo Mask tries to explain to the girls that you evil energy blasted yourself.

Step eight: When Sailor Moon rushes over to kneel weeping by your head, take her hand and start to say something. Then act like your choking on your own blood and have to gasp it out in a whisper. When she leans close to hear your dying words, proceed to:

Step nine: Shoot her. Aim for something vital, you'll only get one shot. (I have determined that a gun represents the form of mortal danger least likely to trigger flashbacks to past life magical wars, and the sudden, super dramatic power-ups that accompany them)

Step ten: Teleport the hell out of there. Preferably before anyone notices she's dead. As much fun as it would be to gloat in this moment of triumph, the berserk period following the death of a loved one has been known to make usually secondary characters nigh unstoppable. If delayed, keep innocent bystanders between self and Tuxedo Mask. Also between self and Sailor Mars. (come on, any two people who bicker that much...) If trapped, take Sailor Mercury down first (She's the only one with enough medical training to screw up your plan via emergency first aid to people you want dead).

Step eleven: Follow up. Keep tabs on all the individuals involved. Wait until they have spent a sleepless, grief filled night. Just after morning when they have dropped off in exhaustion, send in a small horde of sneaky ninja assassin type monsters (one horde per person).

Step twelve: Victory party. Invite only the cool monsters (and not the ones that look like Disney mascots on crack and have super-scary "theme" weapons like death hairdryers and giant evil stapleguns.) Bask in the Queen's stunned joy at having a general not fail hideously for once. Spike punch. Watch hilarity ensue.

Step Thirteen: Start new series under own name.

Who is Lord Heckatyte? Why haven't we seen him in the series? How could anyone be so cool? Much about the elusive fifth general remains mysterious. On many of these questions one can only speculate. For instance, one can logically assume that he didn't make it into the series because he was busy doing something badder ass than fighting sparkley schoolgirls in pleated miniskirts over control of Tokyo. Like forcibly shifting the alignment of planets in order to rewrite fate and make annoying children from the future suddenly cease to ever have existed. Or slaying massive alien beasts with a mean look. Or something along those lines. The question that can be answered definitively is a historical one: if all the Negaverse generals were originally Prince Darian's guards and the scout-princess' escorts, which scout did Lord Heckatyte used to pose with? Cuz, y'know, the normal five are taken. And then there's Uranus and Neptune, but they don't swing that way. You're expecting me to say Pluto, huh? Nope. Don't be silly, she wasn't even there. She's too busy with the whole time guardian thing to date. Saturn? You ask. Could it be Saturn? Don't be a pedophile. Besides, she's really really not that cool once she graduates from being possessed and angsty into being Sailor-kills-the-suspense who just automatically knows everything. Nope. It was Queen Serenity. That's right. Queen frikkin Serenity. None of the younger generation could handle the excess of awesomtasticy. Now you might wonder, why didn't love of the queen keep him from turning to the dark side, the way love of Serena (and principal character status) protected Darien? Well, the fact is that unlike the other generals, Lord Heckatyte wasn't an Earth-guard-dude first, and then a nega-general. First he was a nega-general, then he went undercover. So while the others were recieveing the courrupting touch of evil, Lord Heckatyte wasa reciving the congratulatory high-five of evil, before going to air out his old lair and pick up his backlogged mail.


End file.
